From Blues to the Greens...

From BLUES to the GREENS...

I am a part of an IT company that has recently undergone a split of its managements and is now going to function as two separate entities. While the logo of my old united company was a shade of blue the logo for the new spilt part to which I belong is GREEN. We have all been invited to attend a full day event for being ordained as employees of the new company. I was going thru the agenda for the DAY 1 with a dreary look on my face, when one of my friends at work very excitedly remarked c'mon u should be excited about it now that you are moving to a GREENer logo atleast! While he only made that remark on a lighter note, but it suddenly struck me how easy it is to find the GREEN in every BLUE that comes our way. While there are talks of layoffs and restructuring everywhere, I can’t deny I have been myself worried abt it at a stage but then I realize every BLUE in life has a shade of GREEN to it.

This thought has very spontaneously fascinated my attention to its relation to every aspect of life. Life is never just Green Green and Green...it has shades of every hue every spice in it. Its easy to see the GREENER grass on the other side of every situation and neglect the Green hue which is hiding in the very present situation. I choose to see that Green in every situation in my life...I choose to live my life happy...I wanna see positive in everything that I am going thru. I have made a pact to myself to always stay happy...no matter what...cuz I believe only happiness draws happiness. It’s not what’s happening around you that makes u happy, it’s actually whats happening within. Cuz if I wanna stay happy at all times I can't be focusing on what is around me...those things that surround me will keep changing, people keep changing, relationships keep changing...circumstances keep changing, times keep changing, climate keeps changing...but I have to remain happy...I have to never cease from finding that GREEN hue in everything...cuz that will keep the GREEN mindset within me growing and glowing forever. Sometimes it jus seems impossible to find that green hue in everything...Life very well may seem completely unfair...but I have come to realize there is a little bit of Green in everything. I was just telling my friend Green is in fact a colour of success...of prosperity...Now I am actually looking forward to being a part of the new company.

 

It’s very easy to find the Blue hue in everything in life and just sit down defeated and empty...broken and mirthless with each passing day...but it’s just as coinciding to find that Green hue in everything...to find our own hue of happiness in every hue of life...after all it’s only a few shades away...we only have to change our vantage point.

 

 

Fading like an ECHO!!

I have been having these interesting conversations with one of my good friends since last few days and somehow even though I had ceased thinking deeply about certain things, now I find myself lost in thoughts I used to have ONCE UPON A TIME!  :)

I know as life progresses we find ourselves leaning adrift to its flow more than ours and then one day beyond the boundaries of our cognizance we discover that we have CHANGED! I have thought and written about CHANGE in some of my previous posts as well and I have always been floating in a ocean of merged thoughts, sometimes feeling I have found answers to what I was curious about while some other times being more confused than before I started! CHANGE is one thing that's constant. how ironical! And yet how true!

We make choices in life, sometimes for ourselves, sometimes for the ones we love and some other times for the ones who define our identity, and our life is just composed of these decisions. Small decisions, big decisions, important decisions, casual decisions...all sorts of decisions. while majority of these decisions we make deliberating a secure present or future, sometimes we are compelled  to take the unfavorable step, completely acquainted of the peril of our plunge. And in every case we are shaping our lives to take its unique direction whose steering we feel we own! and do we really own it? Are we absolutely neglecting the one truth that whatever decision/choice/might/luck we create we can never ever create "LIFE" the Life Giving BREATH! our lives are so not ours! I heard a rebellious line few years ago which said "Don't take Life too seriously, No one comes out of it ALIVE!". while once upon a time this very sentence significantly dominated every decision I made, as time has passed and as I have had kids and the stations in my life have changed I have, beyond the boundaries of my cognizance lost the intimacy with that line. My conversations with you dear friend have brought me in close proximity to the wayward reality of life! We don't own it, we don't create it we just live becuz this world is nothing but a station! cuz in the end it will all be fine! Some rapper aptly said "Life's a BI#$%, and then you die." not knowing that GOD has already answered this for you even before you figure it all out: " And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him" Romans 8:28.

Meanings!

And you thought you knew it all!? No my dear one!!
Today i filled out a form for Mishu's kindie! Not an official form or stuff with formal things...it was a form that i would hold close to my heart for a very long time! Mishu started his kindie a couple of weeks back, and during the transition period, he would want mummy or dadda to sit with him in the same room. The moment we leave he would start crying...cuz he can't really rely on anyone there in that room. He has not developed the trust with anyone there yet...the kind of trust that he has on us.


My little one is learning fast to speak his words, to be able to express himself cuz he is holding so many emotions inside of himself which he wants us to understand...ohh how I wish u would know mum's heart...mum understands ur words even when you don't speak them! My lil darling...mum's heart is the saddest when she has to leave you alone there, she understands ur emotions without any of those words you are trying to speak up, she knows what you are holding inside ur heart, she knows and sees each and every tear you want to shed when you see her walk out of that room but hold so tightly inside of urself. I love you too much my dear one...I know its hard for you but its harder for me my love.
Sitting here on my desk, tears have just been adamant to stop from flowing down my eyes when I am typing each and every of ur half words that you are speaking these days to express urself.!! This is a list of the words that you speak when you want to express urself and might still not make much sense to others but I know how deeps each one's meaning is and how important it is for you that others understand each of it. That's why mum is writing down each of your words so that everyone understands you better and you start feeling warmer without having to search for mum's understanding nod!
I love you sweetheart...you are my life!
Mum knows each of these words mean the world to you right now and for me you will be my world always.  :)

One String (Happily) Attached :)

Were there days when i craved for a life with no strings attached!? Hell yes! Smile. :) And was there really even a s ingle day that you lived a life without any strings!!?? Definitely NO!!

From whatever I can remember, I always used to wonder when will I ever live MY life! when I was young I used to feel suffocated that I have to do everything that my parents tell me to. Study well, eat well, drink milk everyday, sleep well, no playing after dark, no movies, no tv, no cartoons no....the list was endless! I used to feel deprived of everything I WANTED TO do...everything I would have LOVED TO do!! I wanted to get wet in the rain, wanted to watch movies in theater every weekend, wanted to wear short skirts, wanted to play till after dark, wanted to grow my hair longer, wanted to try makeup or be fashionable! jus too many desires that never breathed out of my own self in those days.
When I grew and started working and could afford to fulfill the desires that had long been buried inside of me, did I really find them prevail anymore!? All those desires did not even matter anymore, some even seemed silly... while most of it had been uprooted by the harsh realities that I had learnt while growing up at least some fortunate few still breathed with a desire to get fulfilled one day! And all this great time lapse had given the dawning to many new ones, which now made more sense to me. But I could only sit and laugh at the satire of life for the new identity I was now was as helpless as the old one even though the desires were a completely different set now. While one lives their whole lives trying to fulfill each one of their desires, to imagine and realize just how many strings actually pull those ones down was amazing! And that I guess is the fun in life. Else everyone's life would just be the same. How you handle and take over each of those strings makes all the difference I guess.
Now, when I feel I have lived at least half of my life, while I have played at least half of the roles I could possibly in this life, I feel I haven't seen any living being without any strings attached to their lives! Everyone's life is coherent at the basic levels...may be Divine Almighty's mysterious way of apportioning equality in HIS Kingdom! Though how we handle or mis-handle our strings is what makes our lives better or worse.
After many years of the forgotten bliss of listening to mushy songs on radio while retiring to sleep on the bed, I somehow wanted to rekindle it some while ago. After becoming a mom, in a very spontaneous way my very own identity has changed. There is no joy even comparable to the joy of seeing a part of you outside your own body, playing, laughing, crying...living a life outside of you! And it wouldn't even let you realize what that moment was when you stopped living for yourself, even thinking for yourself...this small being who is surviving outside of you is all you care about, is all you live for!! All the desires i spoke about in the beginning of this post somehow automatically take the backseat. I did not even realize my own existence until its for the only soul who hugs and cuddles himself in my arms to feel comfortable. While i am happy that i am just as important to him as he is to me...even though i might not care for my own existence...this small one does and that somehow keeps me connected to my real self at some alignment. So after many days or precisely years, i wanted to listen to some music to relax myself before i dozed off to sleep without even realizing that the radio was still ON on my phone and the earphones still plugged IN to my ears! While the music still relaxed me, and still took me on fantasy voyages with my thoughts traversing beyond my imagination...something was different!! it didn't feel the same as it used to...a couple of years ago! my thoughts constantly kept coming back to the little adorable soul lying next to me! my instants telling me that there's more comfort and relaxation in just hugging that cute thing next to you than even listening to the most comforting music ever! And that is when i realized...i am not ever gonna have this life pass without having my child in my thoughts or actions. I love my son to the extent i cant define in words, and this cute string in my life is the one that is the best thing that happened to me. My life is never gonna be the same without him...and i know this one is always gonna prevail unlike the other desires which fled! My sweet son...mumma is never gonna another moment in her life without having you in her thoughts   :)
YOU are the one string that is HAPPILY attached to my life !!

My lil Cricket Star!!

The Cricket world cup fever is definitely ON and for someone who claims to be a cricket champion, anything and everything is related to CRICKET!! :)
My sweet hubby who is a vital player of his company's cricket team...definitely wouldnt keep his baby out of the cricket madness. As the baby kicks and is active through out the day, i keep pestering hubby dear to feel the baby's movements. He seems quite impressed by what all the lil one can do inside. He has actually cobbled up his own stories about all that the baby might be doing inside and i cant deny how cute it sounds! So one of these days we were having a late lunch at a restaurant and the hubby was hurrying up to get back home to watch the ever interesting match between India and Endland. The baby usually gets quite active whenever i eat and starts moving around and kicking to make more space as if trying to tell me "Momma dont eat so much, i have no space!". I just cant stop smiling when it kicks! Its the cutest thing i have experienced in my life. So while we were still having lunch the baby wakes up and starts doing its usual kicking and moving around routine. I got all excited to feel the baby's kicks and my immediate reaction was to ask my hubby to feel my lil one's accomplishments. And the hubby's stimulus was to narrate another one of his amusing stories about the baby's world.
So the hubby started by saying: "What you are getting so excited as if you dint know baby is playing in the World Cup!". I was still laughing at his humor when he said, "Baby is playing a crucial match today. It would have hit a six thats why its celebrating by throwing its hands up!!".
Me: And how does the baby have a ball and a bat!?
Hubby: Oww please...its my baby...it doesnt need all that to play. It plays with all that it has! It plays its own matches all by itself. It bowls, and then it runs back to hit, and then it takes all catches by itself!
Me: Isnt it like the vodafone 3G guy?
Hubby: What you are comparing my baby to that 3G guy (though he is cute too) but my baby is jus too extraordinaire!! :)
Me: Cool...i am just happy with the fact that my cute one kicks and keeps talking to me in its own cute ways! The feeling is just matchless!

The one Yr Journey!

The Last one Yr!
I don’t know where to start cuz so many different iamges of different hues flash in front of me when I start thinking about the last eventful year in my life! The post, of course I started writing to mark the completion of one yr of my wedded life, but there were more changes in life than just the title of being a wife to someone. So lemme start from where my memories privilege me :)

When my spinster days were on the verge of getting over, I still dint come to the realization that a big change was gonna happen in my life. Since I had spoken to my fiance for quite a while, I just dint see any big change coming my way cuz I thought I already knew all that was ever there to know. But as they say you might never know the person even after having spent a lifetime with him/her under the same roof :) I dunno how much that is true but ya the art of actually "Knowing" your husband definitely takes time!! You can never be sure that you know "Everything" about someone cuz you have spoken to each other for long or spent time with each other or etc etc.

And marriage definitely brings a multitude of changes in the way u even think about issues in life. People always say that one is constantly learning thru out his/her life. We all cant deny that we all learn from our past experiences, be it with friendships, work mates, work life, life away from family etc etc. And wenever we look back at all the memories we sometimes laugh thinking how silly we were and sometime feel proud thinking how much we have grown and matured thru it all! It happens to everyone and as i am trying to turn the pages of this most recent and first year of my married life...i have varied memories. I dint really imagine before marriage that i would have to live away from my husband for even one day! During my spinster days i was clear in my thinking and knew what i wanted and what i needed to do. But as soon as you are married there are strings attached to even your thoughts. When before marriage i thought living away from husband was not even in the book of thoughts...it actually came to happen to me. And though not very happy about it...i still ended up staying away from hubby for more than 4 months. Those were the MOST difficult days of my life! I really dont even want to remember those days. I had stayed away from family quite sometime of my life but staying away from husband was one of the toughest things i had to put up with in my life! There were of course practical reasons for taking that decision but i am so happy that those days are over. And that brings me to the FIRST lesson i learnt in the last year. NEVER EVER FOR ANY REASON TAKE A DECISION OF STAYING AWAY FROM SPOUSE EVEN IF THE REASONS MIGHT SOUND VERY PRACTICAL AND VERY WORKABLE!

Hmm..so finally after all the distance and time..when we actually started living together, it was like my long awaited dream come true! I had always been homely in my outlook and wanted very simple things from my marriage. The only accomplishment i wanted from my marriage was to make my husband dear HAPPY no matter what. But though that sounds very simple and easy, its not that easy a job to accomplish. To make someone truly happy you've gotto really understand that person and then only can you know what makes him/her happy or sad or angry or excited etc etc. And this journey of understanding definitely takes time :) And i must say, even if you are completely aware of what can annoy or irritate a person, it definitely takes a lot of patience...NOT to do that same thing!!! :) Aww c'mon the wife is also a human and has her own likes and dislikes and opinions and issues...and when sometimes she does lose her patient nerve...its only fair!! :) It has been an interesting journey to know and understand my husband...and even if i cant really claim that i know him completely but atleast i am happy that the journey is still ON and going great!! :)

Friends and Chats: While i was a spinster there were very few topics of interest that we spoke to almost all the friends. Most of the friendships i made came easy in those days...project mates...class mates...hostel/PG mates...Blogger friends etc etc. Every other person we met ended up in the friend list on orkut or facebook...and that was fun. Parents ofcourse were always worried about marriage matters but all that mattered to me and my friends was...have fun "At the MOMENT". Life was easy and FUN! Not that life is not FUN anymore...but that was a different phase and this is a different phase. Most of the chats i used to have with friends were driven with the same effort...of understanding the opposite sex!! While it was great to know that someone in your team had a crush on you...sometimes it just didnt matter. The things that mattered in those days were so different than the things that metter now. While the effort still remains the same...understanding the opposite sex...it shrinks to understanding just one person...your spouse. Just yesterday while talking to one of the friends over phone we were reminding each other of what we used to speak before marriage and what we speak now...while the topics have changed...the older subjects of discussion kind of seem silly and funy in some sense. How much we have changed or matured over time...and still theres so much more yet to come! And while theres so much more yet to come...i am happy and excited to share each and every of it with my husband dear! I guess the first step in starting to enjoy marriage is to start a lifelong friendship with your spouse...it doesnt start easy like it used to before marriage...and it does take a lot of effort and understanding. But most important of all...it takes a lot of trust. Trust builds up in time...and am hoping that this first year of my marriage has brought me one step closer to conquering my husband's trust!

I have had a wonderful first year...with some experiences that every married woman has had...and some which very few have had...and am happy to have gone thru whatever i had to...am so happy to be married to my husband...and to spend my lifetime with him...to share my dreams and to be a part of his dreams...to slowly understand him step by step...to start loving him more and more with each passing day...this one year journey hopefuly brings me one step closer to conquering my destination...to become his "Better Half" :)

And now i kick!!

"Did mom tell you about the weird but cute things she has been feeling lately!?"
Thats my lil one talking for me! :) isnt that so adorable!! :)
Ya i have lately been feeling these weird kind of things in my tummy...first i thought its "The Usual" as pregnancy itself does so much to you and your belly! But then its quite persistent and i cant help smiling everytime i feel it! Its almost 10 days since i started feelin them and i am sure its not one of the pregnancy sickness etc. It feels like small water balloons are bursting inside of my tummy and these keep bursting for quite sometime...and then they stop. I cant feel anything outside, if i keep my hands on my belly but yes i definitely have felt my baby's first kicks :)
And everytime i feel it...its like the lil one is tryin to tell me something in its own cute and small ways! Its jus too adorable and so full of awe! My lil one communicating to me as if reminding me every 3-4 hrs of the day..."Mama i'm here...i'm here for u...i love u!" :)